Pages of a Founded Diary

some randome Updates

2009-12-09T14:36:00.003+08:00

Often, very amusingly, I start blogs out of random impulse and fail to update them no matter how long I keep them logged in for the funniest reasons. So I think I'm gonna keep all down and basically just main 2 blogs, which is this, and my tumblr one.

The very simple reason I made the tumblr blog because, I enjoy the photos inside the blog engine you can search. Pretty interesting. And it saves me trouble from blogged by clicking on re-blog. And of course, due to the lack of my FrontPage or Dreamweaver, I can't do whatever I used to do in html coding. Manually typing in Notepad is obviously possible, but it kills 4-5 hours of your day doesn't it?

Will update some others in a soundless entity.

Annoyed sometimes by people because they don't try to respond to you for months or days or for the simplest of simplest acknowledgment. As I think I have made myself clear enough, behave like a friend if you think you are. You know who you are, so that should draws about a fullstop.

Don't know why I'm getting so angsty lately, but I think my tolerance level for people is dropping constantly. Maybe the nature of the job you are in makes you who you are, doesn't it? Amazingly as it can be, I think it's really true.

I hope the gift comes on thurs ):
400SGD ain't cheap!

tears of joy beyond comprehension

2009-11-23T15:51:00.002+08:00

Today is the happiest day I think I ever had in office :)

lost and found.

Wootssssssssssss!

2009-10-31T17:20:00.002+08:00

Welcome to the new born. MSN/FB if you want to read (:

But I'm still updating here, because I love cloudie-berries :D

cherry cherry

2009-10-06T14:57:00.001+08:00

now this is a whole new definition to cherry.

ONE BIG BAKA!

2009-09-22T12:59:00.006+08:00

i don't know why this is happening again, i really don't know why the fuck is this happening again. i swear i only took my handphone and place it in my bag.. when i took it out, it's gone again. why is this happening me.. i really took lots of effort keep it in place all the time in the same place.. why is this happening to me again...

why am i such a failure to begin with.
it's all my fault.

please be at home.. safe and sound..

happy 27th month anniversary~

2009-09-14T18:07:00.002+08:00

it's the special day again, and here's a special someone saying a special thing on the special day of every month.

it's 27 months and counting my love.

and because i have sunday blues

2009-09-13T13:58:00.002+08:00

01.Who was your last text from?
baby ♥

02.Where was your default picture taken?
on this blog? StarFactory @ PS.

03.Your relationship status?
taken

04.Have you ever lost a close friend? What is a close friend?
yea. a close friend to me, at least is someone who can be truthful and not a split tongue.

05.Wad is your current mood?
tired. sunday blue -_-

06.How many siblings do you have?
1 older brother.

07.Whats your brother(s)/sister(s) names?
onionman LOL

08.Where do you wish you were right now?
right now now? genting LOL

09.Have a crazy side? What do you think?
yea, people have seen it. i think he's cool.

10.Ever had a near death experience?
yea. close enough to crack a skull.

11.Something you do alot?
work? and spending time with baby.

12.Angry at anyone? Angry at who?
now? no one? i am emotional yet not angry.

13.What's stopping you from goin the person you like?
no one.

14.When was the last time you cried?
a couple of days ago, because i was stupid and lost control.

15.Is there anyone you would do anything for?
my love.

16.What you think about when you are falling asleep?
what you are falling asleep, do you have the ability to think?

17.Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
baby.

18.What is your favourite song?
Lauren Evans - Dream Awake

19.What are you doing right now?
working, quizzing, smsing.

20.Who do you trust right now?
baby. trust is an issue for me. but i generally do trust my friends.

21.Where did you get the shirt you are wearing?
giordano i think

22.Have you kissed in the past few weeks?
yea. yesterday in fact.

23.Who is your friend that lives closest to you?
aries LOL

24.Describe your life in one word
routine

25.Who are you thinking of right now?
my particular eliephant.

26.What should you be doin now?
working. but there's nothing.

27.What are you listening to?
Neyo - Mad

28.Who was the last person who gave you a hug?
baby (:

29.Who was the last person who yelled at you?
don't recall, but should be the asshole around.

30.Do you act differently around the people you like?
i think no, i am me.

31.What is your natural hair colour?
very dark brown.

32.Who was the last person to make you laugh?
my colleague, sparco

33.Who was the last person to make you sad?
someone ;x

34.What do you hear?
people laughing LOL

35.Is your hair curly or straight?
straight and flat -_-

36.Has anyone ever call you "scrumptious" before?
no.

37.Do you have a best friend?
i don't think so lol

38.Held hands with opposite sex in the past 3 days?
gah =___=

39.Do you use smiley face on the computer?
i supposed, for msn and fb.

40.Have you ever changed clothes in a vehicle?
ya, like primary school.

41.Are you happy with life right now?
you gotta be, ain't it?

42.Are you jealous right now?
abit over one thing.

43.What jewellery are you currently wearing?
my couple ring.

44.What were you doing on Friday night?
played some jubeat, Gamer, and supper.

45.Have you ever had your heart broken?
yea.

46.Have you ever broken someone's heart?
yea.

47.Is there anyone you are disappointed in now?
yea.

48.What was the last reason you went to the doctor for?
food poisoning.

49.How late did you stay up last night and why?
330am, cause i couldn't sleep. eventually until 6am.

50.Tag ten people? Anyone can do it.
cloudie
hito
charlene
jielin
jojo
meibe
weiny
bunbun
jane
leo

sunday blues

2009-09-13T11:29:00.002+08:00

god i seriously hate sunday at work in office. in csc was good, but in office, something just feels wrong. my eyes are swollen slightly and dry. didn't really manage to sleep well at all, wonder if it was because of the movie i watched. 9 is really an awesome movie, but it disturbs your mind if you think deep about the show itself. as for me, i'm just very disturbed when the talisman rips the soul out of these poor little raggies.

i don't mind watching such a good show again, maybe i should get the DVD instead rofl and other than 9, i managed to catch Gamer too. it's pretty cool too, but the thought of humans being able to control humans like you do in Sims or Habbo Hotel, that's kinda freaky isn't it? moreover controlling them like in Counterstrike...

sunday blues.

my eyes are really tired now.

other than that, i'm missing a particular eliephant already ♥

usagi are rabbits

2009-09-04T19:07:00.001+08:00

sitting in a very cold office now, trembling because of the coldness and hunger (?). not sure about that anymore. however not much appetite is caught in my throat for food, somehow today, there's something weird in this air. there is a sign cautioning, but i wonder what it could be.

maybe i'm falling sick again, that's why i am seeing all these premonitions.

seriously i feel so horrible i have no idea why. can't concentrate any one bit. argh this is a very fucked up feeling lol today work is peaceful for now, can't wait for time to pass quickly now, it seems to have stopped the way it is.

other than this, here's another inspiration to blog.

a rabbit hops home
she sees her husband looking at her
"where are the carrots, love?"
she ponders
"i thought i told you to get them?"
the male rabbit stomps around
"you women do the job damn it"
the female rabbit hopped out
with tired feets
hoping for a lil understanding
came home one hour later
the male rabbit hops forward
cuddle the white bunny
"i'm sorry love, happy anniversary. i think you have forgotten."
and pops a lil knitted scarf around her
"thank you dearest. i only pretended to have forgotten, it's good to not have to remind you about such things."

don't leave things unsaid
don't say never minds
don't walk away
don't let anger get the best of you
don't lose what you hold dear
don't force the inevitable
don't test jealousy

a millions of don't-s, yet just a single want

i want to love you forever

do you know

what i want

now?

the spider and butterfly

2009-09-02T02:27:00.005+08:00

suddenly, there's an inspiration to blog.

there's a hole in this void
in this hole there's a spider
spunning his own web
never knowing when he will be done
someday some butterfly came flying into
got itself stuck on some web
cried for help
the spider saw
realise dinner is served
crawls towards it
prepares to plunge its fangs
but suddenly
it stopped
and looked at the butterfly
hideous no doubt
it was a moth
he freed the moth
and spun his web back
the moth thanked and asked
"why do you not eat me?"
the spider silently voiced
"because you're not my type."

weird as it seems, this world, people thinking full of themselves. abandoning the imperfections in this world, and then only go for goals seemly unattainable. is it motivation, ambitious, or pride? sometimes people lose themselves in this whirlpool of misfaith. and then we fall deep deep into nothingmess but mockery.

you are so shameless.

on 29th August...

2009-09-02T00:50:00.002+08:00

nothing much to update currently, or rather not so well to update currently, but just wanna blog about two things mainly on 29th August.

KFC serves bloody chicken.

Jubeat Ripples is out.

i will try to update soon, not feeling too well now.

alone in this cold dark room

2009-08-27T04:51:00.002+08:00

i am doing a lot of things right now just trying to shift this fear away because i know no one can help me but myself. gonna get a shit session at work later. so unwell, puked and lack of sleep. wow.

steamboats are semi-dangerous when mistreated

2009-08-24T14:36:00.002+08:00

grrrrhhh.. i think i had seafood poisoning with the one and only crab i actually ate, like weisiang and angelic i supposed. oh, not to mention some cold food i ate too because i took them out too early lol yesterday went out with cally, joein, weisiang, nix, angelic and the organiser cloudie. had steamboat as a form of celebration for cally's belated birthday. it was pretty fun, getting to know them.

you wake up, with a tint of reluctance, still looking fabulous as you usually do. somehow you probably have become one being who needs no coverup for any flaw in beauty. you seem to have surprised me that, some things in life, can be extraordinary.

i hate having to take mc, because of pay's gonna deduct lmao. when is this probation nightmare going to end?

the only flaw
you possess is
perfection

as of previous

2009-08-22T16:46:00.000+08:00

never mind.

looking for coin wallets

2009-08-20T15:26:00.004+08:00

welcome to one of my most favourite websites of all time ; High Snobiety !

as i was going through, i found this to my horrific yet ecstatic surprise ;

lovely lovely, headporter's wallet. bet shawn's going to go gaga if he sees this too lol and this one under this link with a few closeup shots of this lovely coin wallet (Merge Coin Wallet). been looking for something similar ever since i saw hanx's gucci one (but wadahiao gucci -_-). i think this looks lovely, under the same category as the wallet images above, under the series Merge. more of the same series can be seen from here.

ah, fuck this shit. i just realised the coin wallet is sold out lmao

anyone any idea where to get similar coin wallets? those pop-up ones ):

i love you (:

2009-08-15T19:29:00.000+08:00

surviving the jungle

2009-08-13T02:16:00.002+08:00

another day off is over. slowly im climbing through half of the month peacefully. i prevent from stepping on any landmines that might trigger the unintended. all else didn't matter, until something brightens up my path for me. friday's the lion's den, ima at cost to be alert.

i can feel my body getting restless, and my fingers hurt from tearing. i must take good care of myself if i even wanna stay alive in this jungle. lots of things to think, lots of things to plan. but for tomorrow or rather later, its time to relax and enjoy the invisible peace available. sometimes, it makes my day better.

i can't wait for friday, because saturday's my day off. and of course, its the time of the month again. are you ready, my love?

time slowly creeps by

your scent your touch

excites me every moment

how daft could i have been

2009-08-06T11:55:00.006+08:00

finally its my dayoff.

recently something very bad happened at work. i think it really proves that misleading intentions lead to only more trouble, unnecessary trouble. i really fucking screwed about this whole fucking thing, when my intention was mere 'anything' than 'i-want-to'. this really sucks. and the worse part, i don't know when this shit is going to die down by itself, or it will blow into more ridiculous fuck. i somehow know who is the backstabber attacking, i think i might be right. but if ima right, then im so wrong about this person.

so in order to cheer me up, my sweetest bought me Marble Slab's ice cream! ♥

she understands the very screwed situation ima in, and also hopes that it comes off clean somehow. no murder, no deaths, just safe and sound. very nonsensically, i somehow wonder how did amateurs stayed long enough before they have been slaughtered in this jungle? the strongest survives never fails to enthusiastically intrigue me.

even on this dayoff, i really don't wanna think about it, but it keeps haunting me at the back of my mind like an alarm, ringer, sounding red alerts about the possibilities that might happen due to my absence again. i don't understand why people have to resort to inadequate behaviours to put across their point, and then murder one by the hands of another.

this is a complex world. that's why humans are the highest intelligence creatures around. and we simply can't stop digging our own graves, or helping others to dig theirs.

at the end of the day

you're my resolution

my motivation my love

so sick, so tired of x

2009-07-29T00:34:00.004+08:00

i am just so fucking sick.

yesterday was a boiling 39.6 degrees. never really recalled any fever that shot up this high before. thanks to tobi and val who took me to the doctors, despite alot of detouring and discomfort. thanks to darling who came to fetch me home too.

been sleeping alot. been thinking alot and been feeling better.

had been wondering what if i really contracted h1n1? my breathing isn't very fantastic already, and i have severe migrane once in a while. coughing and flu are taking place. 5 people had already died from this devastating virus attack. what if im no.6? sometimes, people think ima alright, and that makes me feel like im alright too. i just pray i don't contract this shitty virus for whatever reasons.

and you, sometimes you make me wonder what are you desperately trying to prove? the more lies you create, the more hate i have for you. you are no longer the pretty butterfly i hoped i knew, you ugly moth.

your selfishness is beyond comparison. you keep thinking you ain't such a person when everyone has prove of you being so ridiculous. i am trying so hard to pull you out from your self-inflicted dilemma, but you just keep falling right back into the mudhole you are previously in, trying to find treasure in piles of shit. if you continue behaving like this, there's nothing more i can be of service to.

just wake up. wake up from your selfish thoughts that you deem makes you happy by making people following your way.

baby girl

you are my

pretty lover

rupturing counter desk

2009-07-24T14:16:00.003+08:00

am at work now. its a very coldful day at csc today. not really my preference to work here but need to learn the basic ropes therefore i shall do my best to get out of here as well. hiring full-timers currently, but i hope the part-timers slots come out as soon as possible. because there are already a couple of part-timers i can reccommend no doubt.

tonight there's meeting and buffet at kbox. damn it, because i think its just damn weird having it at a karaoke joint. perhaps for fear that i know its going to drag till no tomorrow perhaps. if it passes, i'll have to walk to dhoby ghaut with my pained-killing feet. this really sucks when i think about it.

well, ahyang's having it worse having to come back on his dayoff.

ah jane drew this for me via msn. i think he looks like a domo eating strawberry jam. my comp has no handwriting tab for me to draw crap, ah this sucks. very very cold right now, trying to resist shivering.

will be stuck here for the next 2 weeks or so i guess. yesterday we had dinner to commemorate little's long faded-blonde hair. we will miss his hair. he went bonkers playing jubeat, almost nonstop i guess. hope he can reduce abit of his arrogance just for the sake of army so he won't go in and suffer which he shouldn't have if he just be a lil nicer than he usually is. a lil twitch in his attitude will make his life a lot easier i presume.

took some random photos once in a while. will upload onto facebook once i have the time to have time to re-adjust all my photos.

recently, i still sense the depression of the air blowing. somehow its pretty upsetting to see a rainbow clouded by a teardrop. i hope things will get better, for the rainbows around. the need to cheer up is painful yet inevitable, the need to move on is reluctant yet persistent, the need to restart is redundant yet moving. somewhere along the way, when the paths cross again, maybe things will fall back into a clearer space.

however don't think, don't act. don't respond to callings, nor habits. move in the direction of the spectrum behind the rainbow. ahead and afar.

i still havent touch on the games that i haven't tried from asiasoft. damn it.

fucking geo lens shipping from malaysia to singapore needs to cost me RM80? what kinda fucking nonsense scam is this -_-

the softest hellos
lightest whispers
brightens up my day instantly

maze walking

2009-07-22T02:48:00.002+08:00

100% technicality tells me i should be in lala-land now, but i think i needa write some stuff out in order to sleep properly in the next 15mins. alot of crap is happening now, pertaining to people embracing bad stuff in their lives. i just puked an hour ago due to stress from pals. its not a good sign, but thankfully plentiful people are pulling me through, including my dearest.

miraculous things happened last week, which made me turn in my life.

i cannot be anymore happier to have you back in my life once again, my true love.

crazy things are happening this year, unfortunately it seems to be happening for everyone. i think this is a year where we need to embrace ourselves for the better or for the worse. it seems like, this year is a one that you have to make decisions that will change your life for good, and only those who choose to change for the better will have the willpower to pull through.

pain and stress derive from the insecurity of the mind. sometimes we need to place more trust in each other, and push ourselves from the shell out into the reality of this world. because if one is being tied down into the realms of worry and delusion, we're walking nowhere near the exit eventually.

we have given you a map, a torch and a compass. now make your way out of this dilemma you have trapped yourself in. you don't have much patience left in most people, so do it before the last of the last patience wears out for you.

ignorance is bliss no doubt, however too much turns into deception nevertheless. wake up from the excuses you have been sleeping on.

you are the one

who has shone the path

into life once more

rally riding calls

2009-07-12T04:30:00.002+08:00

these few days have been fine. been going to work having a good time learning new things daily, but also freezing to death in the cold environment nevertheless. i need more knitted wear lol

just went for a rally drive with randy and two of his friends. before that went Cosfest'09 to look around alone, and saw alot of funny cosplays and such. but didn't feel good along the way so kept sitting down outside the arena. interesting enough, i don't really see anyone that i remember, maybe its good as well lol (except takuya lol) managed to meet tobi at white sands to go down bugis to meet the others.

everyone went for some late night movie, whereas i asked randy to send cloudie home since she missed her last bus/train. thanks pal!

on the bumpy ride, alot of things flashed across my mind. it was a dark night, so lost and so coarse. everything seems like a rollercoaster ride, somehow it took my mind off the urban life. in life, you need the minimum amount of getaways to relieve of the emotional stress that you build up in unintentionally. some things in life, cannot stay the way they are, because change is inevitable.

even if i dislike change, i know i have to accept it. changing for the better is always the most positive behaviour to encourage everyone around. when we change for the better, we change everything from the smallest to the greatest.

although i deter from change, i know its the best solution for me. sometimes, everything is better when i see it in a better light. its all up to our human perspective to make life better for ourselves. in the end, it comes back to us to make the impossible, possible.

the revolutionary push that makes the world turns is change. without it, we simply have nothing.

when i look back into the historical mistakes i make, or anyone makes, i think its a wakeup call for the betterment of the future.

this surreal touch

is nothing compared to

my devotion to you

comfort zonal signs

2009-07-03T01:26:00.003+08:00

work is fine, colleagues are fine too. eyes are pretty screwy from the long hours staring at the same stuff though.

someone once told me ;

for people who lives in the comfort zone, they need life to teach them a lesson, fall really bad, before they realise what really went wrong. it is also at this point, where you will see who are the true people in your life who is ready to pick you up after you fall.

what i have discovered in this learning is, sometimes its not about 100% protecting the one you love the most. if you protect them too much, they end up getting spoiled, pampered and ignorant, oblivious to the dangers this world presets for them. and these are the people who cannot afford to fall, because they probably might not make it back up after disaster strikes. therefore ending up one party needs to take care permanently of this other party and love becomes babysitting, like a mother taking care of a child.

but love isn't like that is it?

and even if the moment comes when you fall, the fear that no one will be there catching you presides. somehow, the main point isn't about falling down, its about picking up from the the steps that you fell from and work on it. if your loved one let you fall, it might not be delibrately, but more intended for a lesson to be learnt. and these are the lessons that will teach you for life the way to love.

love, can be loved in the wrong way too.

give and take is a balance everyone needs to learn eventually. learning to take the initiative and knowing when to give into compromising is very important as well. sometimes when i see couples quarreling seriously over such loving details, its pretty stupid lol because harmless arguments will turn into vicious ones in frequent scenarios to come.

small arguments, always end up to be the problem when neglected.

when we let our emotions stray too long in this comfort zone, we tend to linger in it, and refuse to walk out of it. to most people, their comfort zone usually lies in friends. but is that the real comfort zone they enjoy? the answer likely is no, because their comfort zone actually lies in being happy than with friends. friends are probably like a requirement to get to this form of happiness desired. what if one day, your friends all walk out on you, where can the happiness be found again?

then you fall, and see who is around to pick you up again.

despite reality is harsh, it is the only way to let us stay out of this comfort zone. on days when i need this comfort zone, ima pretty glad now that they forbid me to even step a foot into this false space of comfort. always suffer early than late.

don't stray

from your goals and faith

im always supporting you

Kra : Love Lab

2009-06-24T14:58:00.004+08:00

almost nearly a month of absence. a new url for a new start, to change things defintely for the better, for the future that i am still fighting for, since that day.

this will be a very inactive blog i think, too lazy to blog especially lol been through a lot of soul-searching and looking at people around me. they never used to affect me the way they used to, i think i have become more alert than i tend to be back then. somehow the wastage of emotions around me have made me feel that people are not cherishing what they have, and only to regret when they lose it. everyone makes the same mistake, to learn from it is the most important factor. somehow, everything seems to be back at level 0.

starting from next month, will be busy at work. working at the dream place i wanted to 2 years ago surprisingly, so i think this is a good break for me. my hairstyling course will be put aside once again, planning to pursue during my later years. in the meanwhile, will concentrate on my job and have fun at it!

this year birthday seems the same, at least the number people appearing is still as touching as before lol i should be thankful for the people who have always been around for me. sometimes, i just cannot ask for too much at one shot, i should slowly give the space required and then slowly build back what is lost. God didn't create the world in a night's time, moreover us as mere human.

discarding the bad emotional problem i used to have, everytime i feel like ima about to explode, i smile at myself and think about the pointlessness in blowing up. ima curbing my tension break as usual, trying to tame myself from all these unnecessary emotional crap. recently as i said, people around me are on a breaking spree, in fact it has happened since the start of this year. i look at the friends around, seeing their sad faces, can't help but feel hurt, because i can do nothing to make them feel better. its just like back then, when they tried to make me feel better but it failed.

the only one who can pull ourselves up is ourselves, if we wanna stay on the floor and cry, eventually everyone will still have to move on away from you. but if you choose to move on, maybe you can change, and find the way back into love.

despite how many times i think ima going to fall again, i know that it won't help if i fall and wimp again. i need to face this reality and then change to make the future happen. time is going to be a bitch no matter what, but time is what makes us stronger.

i hope everyone can get better, even i hope i will eventually get better, but for that to happen, what we need is not a miracle, what we need is time, patience and faith.

deep inside my heart

this emotion has never lingered

true and direct

broken down, both ways.

2009-05-31T11:46:00.002+08:00

been a week again .. next friday it'll be a month after we became like this ... i don't even know if this breakup was considered clean or not, i just settle myself in this delusion that we are having a cool off period and i pin my hopes everyday in hoping you will come back to me someday. i doubt you may have come here anymore, but my longings stay.

everyday at work, i see the hundreds of couples coming hand in hand, the families that walk proudly in, purchasing things in the daily lives that they all share together. it totally, tears my heart apart. it makes me wanna break down any second with all these exhausting i come home every night with... aching body, blisters and torn skin. people at work are great, but seemingly no one can cover this hole in my heart except you, and your love.

i missed you, still ever so much. do you think of me? or do you think of me only when you have no one else around you? i really am so afraid to think anymore.. worried that these lost feelings will slowly consume my sanity away like on wednesday...

im still safe in one piece, but my soul is tattered in a million.

my love for you has never changed...

it's not over tonight

just give me one more chance to make it right

i may not make it through the night

i won't go home without you

getting better... somehow

2009-05-24T11:22:00.002+08:00

i miss you every, single fucking day.

sorry for the vulgarities, but i just need to release it. when you appear on friday night, i couldn't help but to run away to calm myself down, i had to urge to hug and kiss you just like old times... but because i know that's not what you want in your mind, i just had to force myself down from all these emotions... if you thought i may had gotten over it, my answer is sadly no... as it would have disappointed alot of people.

after you left, when you came to hug me, it felt like old times... when i kissed you, can you feel the burning sensation once again? i need you...

ended up crying like a retarded outside plaza sing after you left, had alot of people comforting me and such. felt so ridiculous, no matter how strong i wanna be, ima still crippled by the fears of losing you. ima moving on indeed i am... this little hope for you to come back still stays in me everyday...

insomnia needs to be cured -_-

2009-05-21T12:24:00.002+08:00

carrying these confused feelings, i made myself move on like normal. the depression pills don't work anymore, only causing more stress if i took them again. i suffered a bad day, from the over-complexed bad stress accumulating. it lasted one full day, made it hurt real bad. i slept only 2 hours yesterday, stayed up tossing and turning for the next 3 hours, before trying to doze off another hour, and finally getting up by my mum.

my mum felt that problems should be resolved facing each other, because what we portray ourselves as is usually done through body language. our bodies are the most truthful, and most honest as compared to the words we say everyday. as the saying goes, what we say daily is usually conveyed through body language.

can you feel the love through the touches we made on sunday? i meant every action, i did.

hope i can get some naps later, ima kinda very exhausted waking up like that. everyday.. going close to 2 weeks straight already. i need a new resolution to sleep.. damn...

take care of yourself everyday too, miss ya.

enduring insomnia, misery.. thanks mum

2009-05-20T08:04:00.004+08:00

another 3 hours sleep.. . and i uncontrollably woke up. this has gradually become a habit for me, to barely be able to sleep through normally like i initially could have done it. even my mum realised this void that i had inside me this past week. she finally decided to ask me say out my feelings. of course i skipped the main point... but i roughly get her point.

thanks mum, even though what you say can be so bluntly hurtful, thank you so much ♥

my mum told me something about me, that made realised im really naive.

you gave your heart too easily to people, which is something you should only do in a relationship. because whatever you do now, you end up only hurting yourself even more.

of course she said it in chinese, and its true that i gave my heart so truly to you. when i never did once give my heart ever so willingly to anyone else but you, it ended up the least i hoped it would be. this trust, that took me so long to build it, is just broken like this, how could i ever trust another soul like this ever again?

8 long years of distrusting, and betrayal, finally when i thought i could step out into the light to receive the lightest of your tenderness, i only end up being back into the darkness where i was. where no one's hand could ever reach out to me again. i start to doubt everyone all over again, wondering when will there be someone to reach out to me again. i thought you maybe understood, being in the kinda family i was in, how much i have given to place this faith in you...

apparently i wasn't smart enough.

i miss you so much.

and i dare say that because, ima not taking you for granted for someone to just fill that empty void in my life. if i only needed someone to sleep with me in the night, i could have find someone to replace you every week. even when my friend stayed over, it never felt the same way as you did when you came. if i needed someone to accompany during my free time, i could have also found someone else to do it, but even with people around me, my thoughts still linger for your presence. if what i needed was a fling, i will never feel this misery like i am having right now.

because you were never a fling to me, you're the one.
if i needed someone to let me say i love you to, you're gonna be that one.

but ... all is too late isn't it? even though how much i wanna cherish you again, be it for the past or a brand new start, i seem to always be running out of time?

life is like a race against time, i will run till i drop dead and out of breath if it means i can have another shot in this race again. but then again, this pain will never leave. this numbness will stay. when i think about myself now, i still think about you. but this new meaning of life i'd discovered, you are not here to share it with me anymore ...

i saw your photos of late

you look so tired, yet happy

i wonder if thats really how you feel

so long you are truly

happy

i guess my departure is paid off

no matter how reluctant

how pained this feeling goes

just let me reach out to you

once more time

day 7 of insomnia continues

2009-05-19T11:24:00.003+08:00

waking up in a complete nightmare of your kindest words, almost made me pondered if that was reality or dream. unfortunately this round, its just dreams. couldn't sleep in ages, this sleeping disorder slowly eating me up from inside out. i just cannot focus on my happiness anymore, even though these are meaningless words. somehow i hoped i could have reached out to you in this painful darkness, especially that night when i even think about it now, still shuddering at the fact that i almost lost you for good.

you're safe... i should be happy. but i can never be happier than i was already.

these smiles people see me, they also know the hollowness of it. its not that i don't enjoy the company of these good friends, but they can just see straight through the emptiness that reigned across my face. forcing myself not to think about it becomes part and parcel of life, even though they don't really work at times.

i feel like i have retreated back into my shell, listening to the echoes of my alter-ego, telling me that ima just a loser in this life, that i won't carry on far, and nothing else already matters. when i embraced you, i had all the confidence in the world to do anything even though i don't say it, right now, im seriously just back into that one person who doesnt make it difference in anybody's life anymore.

my shell, seemingly so indestructable

hid me away from the edge of the world

lying on a thin thread of love and hate

if i topple, the goodness shall pour

if i stray, the pain will nevertheless go away

still stuck in a realm of falsity

let my heart sink into the misery of fate

just let this pain die

pain, is too far an understatement for everything.

2009-05-19T02:15:00.002+08:00

even right now, despite how happy i try to be on the outside, i can never be more truthful to myself than i could have been back then. when i think about the efforts i made to try pull these feelings back again, i think that i simply ain't the one good enough to make everything piece itself back into the right position. when i see you standing afar having fun with the freedom that you yearned for so long, it makes me fall right back into peril, wondering if you'll ever need me again.

and usually when i realise and see things in such light, i can only feel the pain rising from the depths of my pitiful soul, the deepest part of pain where i hid them beyond light and sun. it feels like suffocating, like losing life, so hard to take it.

and when i see your eyes, of ignorance and bliss, and happiness and enthusiasm, it couldn't have done any better than this to feel the equal amount of pain as slicing my flesh piece by piece.

if i'd known any better than this, i could have been reduced to nothingness by now if i couldn't take this in a lighter stride. maybe i couldn't have stayed in one piece like i am right now. maybe you don't even care about it anymore, but my emotions flooding my mind every single day, telling me to let you be the way you are, seemingly never cease to spare my own emotions a break for a tormented soul.

have slept less than 20 hours for one damn whole week, waking with seizures and faintish transport rides, ima starting to take medication from tomorrow onwards.

please pray i survive in one piece eventually.

new courage... bitterful memories...

2009-05-18T16:16:00.001+08:00

this is the new beginning. the new beginning i finally let myself loose enough to pick up once again. i wonder why does this pain feel so numb right now, i wonder why do i even feel this pain now. when you told me so ever clear that everything is over, why do i pin on the littlest hopes from the smallest actions that you show, which may have meant nothing to you. i feel like, ima just being stupid, holding this one-sided affair, and making myself miserable while you feel nothing towards me at all. i think... i think...

i think ima sick of thinking.